When Fear Isn’t Fear: Learning to Toggle Toward What You Want
Fear and Excitement Live in the Same Body
I’ve heard it said—by many people, in many ways—that fear and excitement are neurologically and biologically similar. And once you notice it, you can’t un-notice it.
Shortness of breath.
A racing heart.
A narrowing of vision.
These sensations can arise when something scares us—like a difficult conversation with our boss—or when something draws us forward—like walking into a date with someone we’re genuinely interested in.
The body doesn’t always differentiate.
Biologically, the stress response evolved to mobilize us. In the face of fear, it prepares us to fight or flee. In the face of excitement, it prepares us to pursue—to move toward something we want. Same chemistry. Different direction.
Which is a bit of a mind fuck.
Because if the sensations are similar, it raises an uncomfortable and liberating question:
How often do I stop things in their tracks—avoid people, opportunities, conversations—because I think I’m afraid… when I might actually want them?
And if that’s true:
Can this be trained?
Can I learn to toggle toward pursuit instead of avoidance?
Is that what “getting out of my own damn way” really means?
Survival vs. Thriving
I find it useful to think of these responses as belonging to two broad biological aims: survival and thriving.
Sometimes we avoid in order to stay alive. Other times we pursue in order to feel alive.
In my own experience, fear responses—fleeing, fighting, shutting down—feel numb and reactionary. They’re disembodied. My world gets smaller. My thinking gets rigid. I may act rashly, or forget entire chunks of what happened.
By contrast, pursuit feels different in my body. Desire, curiosity, pleasure—they’re activating, but they’re also expansive. I’m embodied. My senses are online. I’m thoughtful. Present. Alive.
The same arousal, but a different quality of consciousness.
When Fear Goes Too Far
Fear often follows a progression. At first, we mobilize—fight, flee, appease. Certain senses sharpen to help us respond quickly. But when fear becomes overwhelming or chronic, the system shifts again. We shut down. Dissociate. Avoid. Sensation dulls to preserve life.
In both cases, memory is affected. Experiences get encoded in ways that say never go there again. Sometimes to protect us from harm. Sometimes at a cost—think repressed memories, emotional amnesia during conflict, or not remembering what was said in a fight because the nervous system went offline.
The body is trying to help. But it doesn’t always update the map.
The Toggle
So I wonder:
Does empowerment feel like pleasure?
Is confidence—the lived experience of our own capability—the bridge between fear and pursuit?
Can beauty, curiosity, or awe gently redirect the same energy that once fueled avoidance?
I know what it’s like to be crippled by fear. To avoid connection, opportunity, even knowing what I want. I’ve been so shut down that I questioned whether beauty even exists in the world.
Survival responses can flip the switch in the wrong direction—and keep it there—until we learn how to flip it back.
I want to believe that awareness creates choice. That when we notice what’s happening in our body, we give ourselves the chance to toggle. Not to bypass fear, but to meet it—and choose excitement, pursuit, aliveness instead.
What Helps Me Toggle Toward Pursuit
Rewriting the stories I tell myself about fear
Spending time in nature and letting myself be awed
Moving from judgment to curiosity
Noticing something new or unexpected
Finding small moments of beauty, even in the mundane
These don’t eliminate fear. They change my relationship to it.
And sometimes, that’s enough to step forward instead of stepping back.
If fear and excitement speak the same language in the body, then the question isn’t “How do I get rid of fear?”
It’s “What am I moving toward—or away from—right now?”
The work isn’t forcing courage or overriding instinct. It’s slowing down enough to notice. To feel the sensations without immediately assigning meaning. To ask whether this activation is asking for protection—or permission.
Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is pause long enough to let curiosity interrupt avoidance. To let beauty remind us that life is still here. To give ourselves the chance to choose pursuit, not because it’s easy, but because it feels true.
Something to try…
The next time your body feels activated—heart racing, breath shallow, senses sharpened—try this:
Name the sensation, not the story.
“My chest is tight.” “My heart is fast.” Pause before labeling it as fear.Ask one orienting question:
Is this energy asking me to protect myself… or inviting me to move toward something I care about?Toggle gently.
Look for one small cue of safety or beauty—your feet on the floor, a window, a color, a breath you enjoy.Choose the smallest step toward aliveness you can tolerate.
Not a leap. Just a step your body can hold.
This is how we retrain the nervous system—not by eliminating fear, but by expanding our capacity to stay present long enough to choose.
And over time, those choices add up to a life that feels less avoided—and more fully lived.